Updated: Apr 28, 2020
Ignatius Reilly believes that the future of New Orleans is headed south, unless we fix its present state.
New Orleans, a name that at once brought a smile to every decent American seems, only now, to stir feelings of joy in those with some kind of a queer deathwish. To merely suggest taking a trip to the heart of this city is to reject all common sense.
Only two decades ago the French Quarter had milkmen peddling from door to door. Recently, these good natured milkmen have been replaced with perverts, wearing their bright feathered scarves and halfway soiled underwear, peeping through the shutters of any house that seems presently occupied. On any given day, all French Quarter passersby witness a host of ungodly sights that become unshakeable memories, surely to revisit them at random moments throughout their day.
In fact, you can tell the locals from the visitors quite easily just by looking at their eyes. New Orleanians carry a glazed, distracted look with them. No doubt this is due to the recurring flashbacks. I, myself, was forced to resort to practicing various techniques to keep these atrocious images away. The most effective technique is to hum a tasteful tune. I find that Die Zauberflöte’s, K. 620: Act II, Scene VIII. No. 14 Aria “Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen” often does the trick. A perfect description of New Orleans can be found in any bible, but under a different name. Sodom and Gomorrah- may God have mercy on our souls.
There is no question as to why our city has become a beacon for these characters. For too long our law enforcement has accepted the fact that our city has become the world’s hub for the sexually deviant. We let characters prance around our streets flapping their cheeks like chimps while we do nothing but turn our “cheeks”. As I have said many times before, the home is as to be as sensually comfortable as the human womb supposedly is. With this being said, it is clear that New Orleans is in no state to be called anyone’s “home.”
We citizens have turned ourselves into the laughing stock of those people that have been blessed by Fortuna and are living out the American dream. I have traveled to various cities around Louisiana throughout my life and can tell you firsthand that we are being actively mocked to this day. “America’s ass,” is a favorite among the many nicknames given to the city we used to be proud of. Of course, there are plenty of desirable hind-quarters in the world but I imagine the “ass” that is being referred to is that of America’s elder mascot- Uncle Sam. I shall not venture into the many nicknames given to us, the citizens of Asstown, but I assure you there is no shortage of defecation related epithets. Why, do you suppose, is our law enforcement allowing this to go on? Are they fearful of these characters? Maybe they enjoy watching these degenerates from afar, like a group of privileged tourists on an African safari- their badges serving as a barrier of protection from the savage inhabitants whom we share our streets with.
Well one thing is certain, this will only continue to get worse, until every street corner is inhabited by these false prophets preaching acceptance of this rude and tasteless behavior. In fact, public indecency will become the norm! Clothes will be rendered useless, and your own homes will be overrun by squatters claiming rights to your property. Your dinner table will be used as toilets, your bibs and aprons as toilet paper, and your dishes will be made into instruments whose clanking will lead parades through your own front doors. These savages will stop at nothing until New Orleans has completely seceded from all of the world’s morals. We are already slowly drifting from the rest of society’s norms as it is. Here in New Orleans, it is considered abnormal to be sober anywhere in the French Quarter. By evolutionary means, the drunks of New Orleans have developed a keen ability to recognize, then chastise, the sober among them. They feel as though the French Quarter is their drunken domain, and to threaten this domain with sobriety is to threaten the very existence of such a godless place. Sobriety is a direct insult to the alcoholic forefathers before them, who spent their entire lives slowly chipping away at this city’s moral compass.
What should we do about this circus? Well, for one thing we should wake up our police force from their thirty year hibernation. For too long has our hard-earned money gone to waste funding these policemen’s gluttony and sloth. When I am elected sheriff, all police on our force will undergo a rigorous training regimen involving physical and mental practices. If they fail to meet proper training expectations, they will be demoted to working in-house until time comes for them to reenter training. What good is our police force if they can’t capture our criminals? On top of this training, we should expand our force and make our presence known on every street corner of this city. Until now our focus thus far has been misguided, and now it is time that we hone in on what is really important to this city: you. We’ll tighten the leash on laws concerning public indecency and we’ll keep a watchful eye on all businesses that enable the habits of these broken people. No more harassment, no more squatting, and no more disorder.
After this plan is put into place many changes will become apparent. Firstly, the streets will appear to be much emptier, as a large-scale cleanup is in order. Any and all suspicious folks will be stopped and questioned accordingly. If they have committed no crimes, they will be released back into the public, though most of the people frequenting the current French Quarter must be up to no good.
"Once the streets are cleaned of these annoyances, and the jails fill, you will notice an immediate change in temperament throughout the city. There will be much less fear, much less crime, and much more decency."
All good mannered folks will find solace in our city once more.
Elect me as the New Orleans Parish Sheriff. Let’s bring justice back to New Orleans.
-Ignatius J. Reilly